This is part of a poem I just wrote... not my best work but it just needed to come out:
Missing In Action...
I feel as though I'm missing in action these days. I am home, yes that is true, but my mind finds itself wandering and ...thinking about you.
My sunshine and my laughter are all wrapped in your face ... all those years of pain and hurt your smile can erase.
I've been so guarded and to my heart so untrue, i have the thoughts in my head to not get tangled up or in nay way fall for you.
I am trying to think with my heart and not with my head ... again looking back at what I've seen ,my love life has been dead.
I'm missing in action, going through the motions as such... how was I to know that I had missed you so much.
(to be continued) typing as my heart shared it with me. A little too sweet for my taste but it was in there so I let it out.
I am so tired but cannot get to sleep for the life of me. I took a nap earlier today which could not be avoided... I was EXHAUSTED and had to remedy that situation ASAP. I have read my friend Cat's blogs and again gain clarity every day and am lucky to have what I have and to not be missing the :love of my life". How can a God be so cruel to give her the man of her dreams/ love of her life and then take him away so soon? I often think about my mortality which I'm sure freaks people out... i think it comes from my experiencing profound loss in my life. Big family, lots of health scares and such. Yet still the family is not as close as they once were nor are they as close as they should be. My family is all about the people trying to be better than the other parts of the family. We are all guilty of it but it's a bit ridiculous at this point. I have counsins that I have not seen in AGES and if I was to walk past one on the street, I would do just that, walk past them on the street. They probably wouldn't recognize me. I am missing Joan, missing my dad and missing a life partner. I think of all the things I want to share with those people... my ups and my downs, my highs and my lows... I just want the opportunity to share my life with them and not feel like both and they have missed out. My dentist asked my abot Joan on Tuesday during my appointment and I started to cry ... mom and I were talking about dad the other day and what happened? I cried. I'm waaaaay more of a crier than I ever thought. Life is good though, I'm really learning to stop and enjoy the view more instead of always trying to figure out where I am going.
Love ya = Ashley
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